In January 2005 I found God, and I’ve never been the same since. For years before that life-changing decision, I had been the lead guitarist for the band Korn, traveling the world and making millions of dollars, all while being hopelessly addicted to crystal meth. I had a daughter I was responsible for, and I was failing her. I had a life I was throwing away, and I woke up each day wishing that some force would simply take me out of my misery. Thankfully that didn’t happen. Instead of that force taking me out of my misery, I got a new reason to live.
That was five years ago, and looking back on it now, I’m amazed at the distance that I’ve traveled. When I think back to the man I used to be, I’m completely tripped out about how beaten up and defeated I was. On the outside, I was living like a king, with all the power in my hands to do whatever I wanted, as well as order others to do what I wanted them to do for me. But on the inside I was a scared, weak little boy who was screaming and wailing as hard and loud as I could for help. But no one could hear me because I was afraid to let my cries be heard on the outside, to let the truth be told, to show my weakness. Simply put, I was scared to admit that I was a failure when, on the outside, I looked like such a success. I couldn’t tell the truth that I, a person with so much power and success, needed help.
The exterior of a person reveals only so much. When you look at someone, what you see on the surface is not the true image of that person. The real story lies beneath the skin. That’s where the person’s true life is lived—in that secret inner sanctum where every human being resides. That space, invisible to everyone else, is where true strength and character begin if we let them, but so many of us spend our time behind our masks and never develop that inner strength.
Before I found God, that was how I lived, until I became so disgusted with hiding that I decided to tell the truth to everyone about the person I’d become. I decided to let my cries for help be heard.